grief

If i had my life to live over again, next time i would find you sooner so that i could love you longer.

photo 2-12Carl was the sweetest man; he didn’t even have to try. Often sending me photos and selfies as a way to say an extra special hello when he wasn’t by my side. I loved it. They always made me smile, but this one made me smile especially bright, this photo of him as a small boy. I sent him one back, me as a little girl. Him and I, side by side. We said that we wished we had known each other longer. We agreed that we woulda been awesomely fun trouble-makers together. We agreed that, someday soon, we were gonna have some super lovable kids. We couldn’t wait for the day that would happen. I could have spent about a million lifetimes together with this guy–and, still, it would not have been enough.

{originally posted Nov 12, 2014}

the proposal

CarlandColorado1

Carl Bratlien, my beautiful, beautiful man. This cannot be real. Please, please, please I want to wake from this horrible dream. I remember the day I took this photo of you. It’s too perfect to be candid and yet it is so very, very real. I was swallowed whole by love and gratitude. It made you so happy to see me happy. You would do anything to help me to feel that way. You were like that for everyone. Oh, but how lucky I am to be the one at the center of your heart, and you in mine. I miss you…a million times a day you said my very most favorite words: “I love you, baby.” Please God, help me to keep hearing those words. Help to keep feeling those big strong arms around me. Help me to keep breathing. Help to transform this loss into something worth more than the pain I feel right now. This man and I, we had big, big plans to make this world just a little bit better place. Please breathe life back into me. Please make the path back to this light clear to me. Please, God, I refuse to let all of this be for nothing. Please, please, please help me find my way.

{originally published Nov 10th, 2014}