I haven’t listened to music since Carl died. Or, at least, very, very little of it. It’s too painful. Music is how we used to do a lot of communicating and Carl always had a way of sending me the best songs when I needed them the most. This morning I am laying on a bright orange couch in Carl’s old and worn out flannel shirt, overlooking the ocean and being caressed by its comforting breeze. For the first time since his passing I decided to turn on Pandora. Before I had a chance to even choose a station, this is what started playing. Thank you, baby. That’s exactly the song I needed today. My toe started tapping and a smile stole across my face. Even now…he’s still sending me the most perfect songs at just the perfect time.

“Live And Die”

All it will take is
just one moment and
you can say goodbye to
how we had it plannedFear like a habit,
run like a rabbit out and away.
Through the screen door
to the unknown.

And I want to love you and more.
I want to find you and more.
Where do you reside
When you hide? How can I find you?

‘Cause I want to send you and more
I want to tempt you and more
can you tell that I am alive?
Let me prove it.

You and I, we’re the same.
Live and die, we’re the same.
Hear my voice, know my name,
you and I, we’re the same.

Left like a pharaoh,
sing like a sparrow anyway.
Even if there is no land or
love in sight.

We bloom like roses,
leave like Moses out and away.
Through the bitter crowd
to the daylight.

And I want to love you and more.
I want to find you and more.
Can you tell that I am alive?
Let me prove it to ya.

You and I, we’re the same.
Live and die, we’re the same.
You rejoice, I complain,
but you and I, we’re the same.
Live and die, we’re the same.
You and I, we’re the same.
Hear my voice, know my name,
you and I, we’re the same.

And I want to love you and more.
I want to find you and more.
Where do you reside
When you hide? How can I find you?

‘Cause I want to send you and more
I want to tempt you and more.
Can you tell that I am alive?
Let me prove it.

You and I, we’re the same.
Live and die, we’re the same.
You rejoice, I complain,
but you and I, we’re the same.
Live and die, we’re the same.
You and I, we’re the same.
Hear my voice, know my name,
you and I, you and I.

I love you, Carl.

{originally published Dec 5, 2014}