Carl’s bible.

This Easter is different than any before. I haven’t been able to stop crying all week. It is Saturday. The day before. And the closer it is to tomorrow, the harder I cry. I wasn’t expecting this. The depth, the richness, the waiting this week has taken on.

Easter has become so very real to me. Carl was about the same age as Jesus when he died. I think of Carl. The memory of him takes shape in the sunshine before me. I can still see his smile and that goofy walk he’d do to get the dogs excited and make me laugh. Carl. So capable, so happy. I rest my hands on his arms and they are still so strong. I look up, way up (because he was so tall), and I smile. But I am just remembering. It is Saturday. The day before Easter, the hours of in-between. I begin to understand how Jesus, like Carl, was once a real man. How do I even begin to describe the way this changes things? I’ve never truly understood what this (all of it) was all about…until now. I wish I could have understood sooner…but here I am.

Just beginning. In the face of so much loss. Here I am: just beginning.

We stand in the Light of what we’ve seen, even when it is dark all around. We stand in great Hope, even when it feels like all Hope is lost.

We stand at the grave, longing, grieving and yet, holding out hope that the One who said he is Messiah will somehow make a miracle out of the mess.

And so, like the women, we come to the grave, broken.
We come to the grave, prepared.
We come to the grave, longing for the King and a Kingdom that is not of this world.

We stand, even when we feel lost.
We stand when all we see are broken bodies.
We stand. We stay. We hope.

Today is Saturday. The day of the long walk.
The day of the long believing.
Today is the day of faith.

~Excerpted from “Today is the Day of the In-Between” by Idelette McVicker

I wait to see where tomorrow will take me. And all the tomorrows after that, too. I give in to not knowing. Over and over I pray: God, I am yours. I look over my life and realize that I’ve been catching glimpses. All along. These glimpses. And so here I am, standing in faith. Available to whatever is to come. Dear God, use me. I am yours.

I Believe

There are so many things about you I don’t understand
But I believe
I keep moving forward when I’m holding your hand
I believe

The truest things I know
Are those I cannot see
From my birth to my dying day
I believe

When I’m old I’ll talk about the things that you have done
I believe
Brokenness made beautiful
The wars that you have won
And the storms you calmed in me

The truest things I know
Are those I cannot see
From my birth to my dying day
I believe

I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands
I’d rather be led by his nail pierced hands
I’d rather have Jesus than anything…

The truest things I know
Are those I cannot see
From my birth to my dying day
I believe         ~JJ Heller

I love you, Carl. Without you I would have spent a life and everything after…so lost. When you went Home you showed me the way. And I love you, forever and ever, I love you.