gratitude

the view from here.

Coffee tastes best with this view from the hay bale.

{originally published Jan 28, 2015}

over time.

Not painting yet, but I am in the studio and it feels good. I used to tell Carl every single day how much I love this space. Even after everything, it is still true. This place has a goodness about it. It feels comforting and safe. There’s a loving quality resonating from somewhere deep within the structure of this old building. I can’t help but love Sundays here the best. My spirit is calmer. It’s quieter on the street outside, there’s less foot traffic and the quality of light always seems more golden, even on cloudy days. Over time, it is possible that I will do a lot of healing here.

I love you, Carl. When I’m here, I always feel you with me.

{originally published Jan 25, 2015}

smallest forms.

This morning a friend sent me a link to a page of quotes. The one that had the most impact on me said this:

“What does a thought look like? Just look around you, right now… to see yours.”

I looked around and saw 3 peacefully sleeping dogs who are deeply loved and deeply in love. I saw mist rising from my humidifier, bringing to life the smell of sweet orange oil, an aroma that eases depression. I saw that I am surrounded by warmth.

Blessing on this view.
xo

I love you, Carl, in all the ways that I find my way to comfort, even in its smallest forms. You are with me everywhere.

{originally published Jan 21, 2015}

through.

Some days are worse than others. These days, it seems that all days land on the scale of worse. But I continue to reach for a habit of gratitude and so, in this moment, I am grateful for…

purring horses munching on hay that warms their bodies on this cold, cold winter day.
the pull of my journal and conversations with God while snuggled in a semi-circle of sleeping dogs.
plans to go sit in a hot tub this afternoon with a good friend to relax my body and mind while in good company.

This is enough. For now, it will get me through. And, in truth, that is always all we ever need.

I love you, Carl. You will always be enough. Even being gone, you have given me enough love to last a lifetime.

{originally published Dec 30, 2014}

first christmas.

I love you, Carl. There is never a day you’re not with me. I’ve always loved Christmas, but my appreciation for it has shifted into something of a watershed, a place where all the love, like water, has come to gather. There is so much I wish I could write about this morning…but it will have to wait. I’m leaving for Brainerd so that I can finally wrap my arms around my grandma and tell her how much I love her. Just a few days before my grandpa died, my grandma sent me a handwritten card. She wrote about how very hard it must be for me to have lost Carl and that, when you love someone that much, you are one…like her and my grandpa after 67 years of marriage. She wished she could wave her magic wand and make all the pain go away, but that life is simply not that easy. She ended the card by saying that, always, grandpa and grandma are there for me.

I end this year in unexpected ways, but one thing I know for sure is that it is filled with love. Carl, I miss you today. I missed you last night. I’ll miss you tomorrow and the next day and the next all the way into forever. But more than anything, I am grateful. In this life, I have been blessed.

Merry Christmas friends and family. I love you all very, very much!

{originally published Dec 25, 2014}

sipping coffee.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ~1 Corinthians 13:7

…a magic sea bean found on the shelf near my bed in this sweet little guest house I’m calling home for a little while + jungle strength, my view as I sip my morning coffee. Today is soft and raining. I am grateful.

I love you, Carl. Always, I am choosing love.

sunlight.

Carl’s sunrise. Mid-air and halfway to heaven…where there is nothing but Love and LIGHT!

I don’t mean be selfish, but wow, that sunrise felt like it was made just for me!

“On the Way to the Wedding”
To be on the way to the wedding is to honor the great
ring of mystery in which we live. It is to praise the circling movement that is
ours, the ever-growing orbits of our lives. When I look at my life dancing in
the great ring of mystery, I know now that each season will greet me with the
energies I need to transform to make my life and love richer. I know that I
will come around and around on my personal cycles to all that I have lived before,
and no matter how painful or terrible or dark some
of that time was, it is now the rich rock from which I mine the crystal visions
for my healing. ~Schierse Leonard

I love you, Carl.

{originally published Dec 4, 2014}

good lord, show me the way.

Stop. Drop. And selfie. + a black dog photobomb. A moment today that included a genuine smile.

…and then Henry wanted in on the fun, too.

Nearly impossible to summarize the past few days…North Dakota, being on the road, the sunsets, the immense amount of work, the roller coaster of emotions, the amazing help, the late night trip home, the exhaustion, this day of gratitude…

I don’t know where to start and so I’ll start right here. With this moment on my kitchen floor. This moment when the Thanksgiving festivities were all over and we all missed Carl and I felt a little consumed by how many days ahead of me I have without him. I came home and put on his old flannel shirt. I was all alone and not knowing how I felt about that, but ended up smiling because my dog Ella attacked me with love and then Henry wanted in on the fun, too. Which leads us right here to the present moment.

And all the while I’ve had this song playing over and over and over in my head…for over a week. I dream it, I wake up to it, I hum it, I pray it, I fall asleep to it. I hear it while I drive or tend to tasks. Over and over it keeps playing like a song that Carl is sending me, just like he always used to do.

Good Lord, show me the way.